October 12th, 2005
Reminiscing
I'm finally back, now that I have Internet access, at last. There's still so much to write about from China, and from all that's been going on in my life lately (you know, small things like moving and starting a new job), but this entry is going to be on a different tangent entirely.
I just brought back all my yearbooks with me from home, and decided to look through them as I unpacked. And, to tell the truth, it was kinda depressing. Depressing in the sense that I've lost touch with so many people from school, and also in that it made me realize that my childhood really *is* dead and gone (which is made all the more clear by the fact that I'm starting my first "real" job).
Maybe neither one is a real cause for lament, and maybe depressing is a bit too strong a word. The people I hung out with - as in outside of school - on a regular basis I still see fairly frequently, so it's not as if I've lost many good friends. But at the same time, there were other classmates who I certainly enjoyed being around at school, and who I haven't seen or talked to since graduation. What's happened to them? Where are they now? I'm not saying I would even be friends with some of these people were we to meet on the street today, but at one point I shared some kind of connection (for lack of a less cheesy word) with them, and that's gone now. Looking through those books made me remember fun times I had in class that I had completely forgotten about; some, I can't recall even after reading about them.
I think there are a couple reasons for why I feel a certain degree of melancholy over this. The first is that I have come to realize that I truly do enjoy interacting with lots of people. I used to consider myself a rather solitary person (maybe out of some misguided insistence on self-reliance), and whether it was the cause of, or result of, my shyness I don't know. I still enjoy spending some time alone once in a while, but those times are few and far between. So I think I miss being around so many people at once, and actually knowing a large number of them.
Second, I hate that forced break with the past that going to college necessitates. On one hand, I can understand it, and even agree with it. Being separated from everything that's familiar forces you to adapt, and so I think that break can go a long way toward helping the "growing up" process. At the same time, why should we have to give up friends that we have known for many years? I know some people who want nothing to do with high school, and I guess I can understand that if they had bad experiences. But I still question the wisdom of suddenly ending years of relationships and friendships.
As I mentioned before, in my case this only really applies to acquaintances, since I've managed to keep almost all of my good friends from high school. While that may not be the norm, it's something that is extremely important to me. I think having a meaningful friendship entails way more than simply having similar interests; good friends remain so because they understand you, and vice versa. My time in China made this point crystal-clear to me, and was quite possibly one of the (if not the) main motivations for my decision to not join the Peace Corps. The reason I enjoyed myself so much in China was partly because of the cultural discovery, but also because of the other volunteers. Without them, I would probably not have been very happy there. Yes, it's fascinating learning about the lives of people halfway around the globe, whose worldview sometimes runs completely counter to your own. The thing is, while those differences may be intellectually fascinating, they are emotionally unsatisfying. At the end of the day, I just want someone I can talk to who knows and understands me. And that's impossible when you're separated from others by a mile-high wall of cultural divide.
The last point in all this is the loss of childhood, which I would guess most of us feel at one point or another. I'm not of the mindset that my best years are behind me, because I think that's a self-reinforcing philosophy that invariably ends in hating one's life. I'm excited for the future - for my job prospects, for the new people I'll meet, for the opportunity to do (mostly) what I want to. But I do miss the carefree aspect of childhood, which is something I try and retain as much of as possible in my daily life.
So what does all this amount to? The grass is always greener. I don't know that there's a more true cliche in all the English language, and I'm probably more guilty of it than most. Still, I'll probably read this post tomorrow and wonder what I was thinking. Usually my emotions will swing far to one side right after something like this, but will shortly return to normal. I don't know that I'd want to do without that either, since in moderation it can stimulate healthy self-reflection. The problem, as Freddy Mercury so eloquently stated, is that "I want it all" ;)